Tons of Sisters, and Stuff Like That

A boy we know has no brother but says he has “tons of sisters.”
His mother, when complimented on her new dress, answered, “Thank you, I like it too, but I’m afraid I’ll see myself coming and going. There were tons of them on the rack in the store.”
When asked about a party, Colleen said, “They had tons of pizza and tons of pop.”
When asked if I argued with the kids over doing the dishes, I used to say “Sure, tons of times.” But not any more.
“Tons” has been getting a verbal workout. When I hear that expression, I imagine whatever there are tons of, such as a huge pile of sisters or a mountain of dresses.
A ton is 2,000 pounds. When people say they have tons of sisters or pop or pizza, they are merely exaggerating. When people say tons of times, they are causing confusion because time can’t be measured in pounds – unless you are talking about time that ways heavily on your hands.
I had a couple of “ton” sayings. When I had a lot of laundry, I’d say “I have a ton of laundry.” On days the dirty clothes were really piling up, I’d say “I have 10 tons of laundry.”
When I had too much to eat and felt my waistline expanding I’d say “I feel like Two-Ton Baker.”
Those sayings fit the circumstances. That was before the tons overdose, before tons of folks were filling tons of sentences with the word tons.
From now on, instead of saying I have tons of work to do I’ll say “I have work to do and stuff like that.” An aura of mystery will be added to my life.
After hearing someone say, “I have to go to the gas station, the dentist and stuff like that,” I always wonder about the “stuff like that.” My curiosity goes on overload trying to decide if the “stuff like that” is more like the gas station or the dentist.
I never do “stuff like that” because my kids are always asking me, “Are you going to take me shopping or what?” And I’m trying to figure out the “or what.”
Do they mean, “Are you going to take me shopping or enjoy the luxury of going alone?” Or do they mean, “Are you going to fix dinner or do you want me to do it while you lie down on the couch?”
I doubt it. I think they mean “Are you going to make dinner or talk on the telephone all night?” Or, “Are you taking me shopping or are you going alone and get all the wrong stuff?”
Of course, it would be difficult to get the wrong “stuff” because everything is stuff. No one runs upstairs to get their gym clothes. They go after their stuff. When I ask Patrick what he has for homework, he always answers “stuff” instead of math or social studies.
The stuff I use to wash my hair is a lot cheaper than the stuff my hairdresser tells me to use. The stuff on television is often similar to the stuff found in the trash can. The stuff we are having for dinner is leftover from the stuff we had last night.
So you don’t get mixed up, I had better clarify. Although there is plenty of stuff around and lots of stuff to do, none of this is “stuff like that.”
Straightening out the spoken word would take tons of work, I could try to and stuff like that, but do you think it’s a good idea or what?
October 30, 1985