When a couple of Colleen's friends were over, we started talking about the search for Ann Landers' successor.
It seems Ann is doing some newspaper hopping. She took her column from the Chicago Sun-Times to the Chicago Tribune, so the Sun-Times is searching for a new advice columnist to fill Ann's space.
"You should get her job," one of the girls suggested to me. "You already are good at giving advice," another friend added.
"That's for sure," Colleen said. "You are always telling me what I should do."
I shook my head no to these suggestions. I wouldn't accept Ann Landers' job at the Sun-Times - although it hasn't been offered to me - because I don't want to hear about other peoples' problems.
I have enough problems of my own. I want people to listen to my problems. That's the benefit of writing this column. I get to air all my gripes under the guise of somewhat clever storytelling. I'm always composing letters in my mind that I could write to Ann Landers but never do. How do you think all my friends to whom I owe letters would feel if they thought I'd taken the time to write to Ann Landers instead of dropping them a friendly line?
If I did write to Ann, this is what I would say, and since I have been a constant reader of Ann Landers, I think I can safely guess how she would respond:
Dear Ann Landers,
I'm a busy woman who is always trying to do two things at once.
When I leave the house to go someplace, I don't have time to comb my hair and put on lipstick.
I use stop signs and stop lights en route as occasions to groom myself, but there's always some impatient oaf, Usually a man, who honks his horn because the light has changed and I haven't driven off. This startles me and I get rattled and smear my lipstick.
Signed, What's a Girl to Do?
I bet Ann couldn't give me an answer for that one because she probably is perfectly groomed at all times and doesn't do touchups in her car. So I'll answer the letter.
Dear What's,
Throw the car into reverse and step on the gas. A guy who
doesn't appreciate a woman's basic needs should have his fenders altered.
Dear Ann,
My 14-year-old son's favorite pair of tennis shoes is completely torn up, yet he insists on wearing them. He can't possibly walk comfortably in them. Do you think that's why he's always sitting around watching TV and eating bowls of cereal?
Signed, Mother of Shoe Worn
Dear Mom,
That boy needs counseling and you need to quit buying cereal. You are only feeding his weakness.
Dear Ann Landers,
Ask your experts if there is a spray I can spray on my garbage on trash day so the four-legged ones will find it too disgusting to tip
over and rip up.
Signed, Trashed Up Yard
Dear Trashed,
I don't answer such trashy questions.
Dear Ann,
Last night I dreamed I wasn't aging gracefully. Do you think I should start using Oil of Olay?
Signed, Wrinkles Pending
Dear Wrinkles,
You need counseling. Oil of Olay won't do anything for your guilty conscience.
Dear Ann Landers,
How come getting up early to work is considered admirable, but staying up late to do the same thing is considered decadent?
Signed, Wondering
Dear Wondering,
I'm wondering why you wonder such things. You should write a letter to that friend you have been neglecting. Maybe she'll have some answers for you.
April 22, 1987
It seems Ann is doing some newspaper hopping. She took her column from the Chicago Sun-Times to the Chicago Tribune, so the Sun-Times is searching for a new advice columnist to fill Ann's space.
"You should get her job," one of the girls suggested to me. "You already are good at giving advice," another friend added.
"That's for sure," Colleen said. "You are always telling me what I should do."
I shook my head no to these suggestions. I wouldn't accept Ann Landers' job at the Sun-Times - although it hasn't been offered to me - because I don't want to hear about other peoples' problems.
I have enough problems of my own. I want people to listen to my problems. That's the benefit of writing this column. I get to air all my gripes under the guise of somewhat clever storytelling. I'm always composing letters in my mind that I could write to Ann Landers but never do. How do you think all my friends to whom I owe letters would feel if they thought I'd taken the time to write to Ann Landers instead of dropping them a friendly line?
If I did write to Ann, this is what I would say, and since I have been a constant reader of Ann Landers, I think I can safely guess how she would respond:
Dear Ann Landers,
I'm a busy woman who is always trying to do two things at once.
When I leave the house to go someplace, I don't have time to comb my hair and put on lipstick.
I use stop signs and stop lights en route as occasions to groom myself, but there's always some impatient oaf, Usually a man, who honks his horn because the light has changed and I haven't driven off. This startles me and I get rattled and smear my lipstick.
Signed, What's a Girl to Do?
I bet Ann couldn't give me an answer for that one because she probably is perfectly groomed at all times and doesn't do touchups in her car. So I'll answer the letter.
Dear What's,
Throw the car into reverse and step on the gas. A guy who
doesn't appreciate a woman's basic needs should have his fenders altered.
Dear Ann,
My 14-year-old son's favorite pair of tennis shoes is completely torn up, yet he insists on wearing them. He can't possibly walk comfortably in them. Do you think that's why he's always sitting around watching TV and eating bowls of cereal?
Signed, Mother of Shoe Worn
Dear Mom,
That boy needs counseling and you need to quit buying cereal. You are only feeding his weakness.
Dear Ann Landers,
Ask your experts if there is a spray I can spray on my garbage on trash day so the four-legged ones will find it too disgusting to tip
over and rip up.
Signed, Trashed Up Yard
Dear Trashed,
I don't answer such trashy questions.
Dear Ann,
Last night I dreamed I wasn't aging gracefully. Do you think I should start using Oil of Olay?
Signed, Wrinkles Pending
Dear Wrinkles,
You need counseling. Oil of Olay won't do anything for your guilty conscience.
Dear Ann Landers,
How come getting up early to work is considered admirable, but staying up late to do the same thing is considered decadent?
Signed, Wondering
Dear Wondering,
I'm wondering why you wonder such things. You should write a letter to that friend you have been neglecting. Maybe she'll have some answers for you.
April 22, 1987
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